Dear Phantom,

I hate your stinking guts.
You make me vomit.
You are the scum between my toes.

Love,
CM

Love...

I want to wake to you.
I want to fall asleep in your arms.
I want you to pull me close and protect me.
I want to feel your breath on my neck
and your hands on my hips.
I want to bathe in you
and smell your scent throughout the day.
I want to feel your fingers on my scalp
and your lips on my forehead.
I want to be lost in you and found in you.
I want to feel your vibration
and bask in your sunshine.
I want you to want me as much as I want you.
I want you to hear my song and sing the melody to me
as I sing your song.
I want your smile.

Love, I want you.

I am ready for Love.

Double Jeopardy

I thought having a mature enough breakup where you could remain friends with someone you loved was a great thing. It turns out to be a double-edged sword. You're sad about the initial breakup, and then you get a huge slap in the face when they move on to someone other than you.

This too shall pass.

Accutane

I've been running away from it for over a year even though I know it's supposed to help. It is the last resort, and I'm afraid of what it means if it doesn't work for me. I also am leary of anything that requires so much monitoring and precautions. If it's harmful to a fetus, what is it doing to the carrier's body? I have to take a pregnancy test before starting it and then another each month. I told my doctor there's no need, but he doesn't believe that "a beautiful young woman is not having sex". It can also contribute to depression. If I can make it through the next 8 months without getting pregnant or suicidal, then they will consider it a success.

No wonder I'm so excited about it.

I've spent thousands of dollars and seen many doctors for the past 20 years. Please God, let it work this time.

Update

• My dad never responded to my letter.
• I'm single (again).
• Your Scholarship Coach is growing.

Countdown

I saw this on Muze's page and thought I'd try it.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:

-Does ignoring me make you feel big? Well, you're not. You're an idiot for not recognizing what you have in me.

-You are so rude. You're supposed to acknowledge people when they say "Good morning". How dare you look at me and and say nothing! PWT

-You are so annoying. I become tense when I see your name or hear your voice. Please just leave me alone.

-Why did I wait for years and you're not even around? It is really hard for me. That's why it hurts so much when you push me away.

-You're stupid for putting all your business online. I know your mama taught you better than that. Stop being silly!

-She's crazy. I really feel sorry for you.

-I miss you. I hope things are working out for you.

-You are special. You are Heaven-sent. You are handsome. You are intelligent. You are creative. You are loved.

-Sometimes I wonder why we are friends.

-I'm really proud of you. You are doing a great job. I was skeptical at first, but you're proving me wrong.

9 things about yourself:

-I'm trying to be more open. I think it's working, but it might be too early to tell.

-I love who God made me. I'm not conceited, just confident. I am actually annoyed by people with low self-esteems.

-I'm an exhibitionist.

-I don't like stupid people.

-I had "daddy issues", but not anymore.

-type INTP

-I love New York!

-I'm learning how to flattwsit and cornrow my hair. I'm looking forward to all my creative new styles. :)

-I want to be a wife and mother while I am still young. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. If the kids turn out wrong, the parents get all the blame.

8 ways to win your heart:

-listen to me even when I don't say anything (sometimes that says a lot)

-feed me good food (preferably homemade)

-read, read, read (appeal to my inner nerd)

-sleep with me without molesting me

-encourage my sillyness (appeal to my inner child)

-give great massages

-hold me in your big arms...mmmm

-personalize something for me (a song, poem, CD, t-shirt, card, etc...just be creative)

7 things that cross your mind often:

-Is this real? Am I dreaming?

-I'm hungry. What am I going to eat?

-When is it going to happen?

-I miss my boys.

-Why am I here when I could be somewhere else?

-I need to get away.

-Who are these idiots in my space?

6 things you do before you go to sleep:

-check my email

-wash my face

-take out my contacts

-talk to my man

-turn off the lights/make sure everything is locked

-say my prayers

5 people you couldn't live without:

-my mother

-adoring fans

-friends who listen

-mentors/teachers

-children who keep me young

4 things you're wearing right now:
-glasses

-t-shirt

-underwear

-headscarf

3 songs that fit your life perfectly:

...at least for now

-I Choose (India Arie)

-I'm Living a Blessed Life (Clark Sisters)

-The Point of It All (Anthony Hamilton)

2 things you want to do before you die:

-live to see my children's grandchildren live happy and healthy lives

-go to Australia, Brazil, Nigeria, Argentina, South Africa, Egypt, and other countries

1 confession:

I feared rejection from others, but now realize that their rejection was no match for acceptance of myself.

Bonus: I want to be on Sesame Street.

The Year in Review

Here's an update on the book I've written this year on my life.


I made 2008 the best year of my life.
I became a homeowner. I bought my new home in March.
I did work that I enjoyed and was fulfilled. This is partially true. I volunteered as a dorm counselor at a camp for teen girls for a week. I would prefer full-time fulfillment, but this was a start.
I made friendships that will last a lifetime and I rekindled old relationships. I reestablished a relationship with a friend from high school. I also ran into an old friend from my first stay in Houston, but our relationship is different this time around. One of my friends also felt comfortable enough to finally tell me a secret they had been hiding from me (that I already knew).
I learned how to harness & release the power within me.
I found new reasons to smile and laugh. I laughed at myself more. Sometimes I even smiled when I didn't feel like it. My friends are crazy too.
I learned to smile without provocation.
I learned more. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I expanded my knowledge financially. I also learned about new people and cultures.
I did more. I became more social. I forced myself to get out and network.
I gave more. I have to try to remember all my monetary gifts when tax time comes. I'm thankful for every gift that God gave me to share with others.
I flourished mentally, physically, spiritually, socially.
I opened my heart. My heart was broken. It seems as though the minute I stopped crying and decided to move on, the universe sent me a sign (actually, several signs). I had more dates with men I was actually interested in in a very short period of time. One of them stood out more than the others and won my heart. :)
I launched a new business venture. I have a legitimate business (and I get tax benefits and other discounts, yay!).
I coached and mentored students to success. I got my name out there and also had referrals. I was also challenged to do more.
I received lots of testimonies from my clients on how I was able to help them .
I cultivated relationships and discarded weeds.
I became a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, etc.
I walked in my purpose and pursued my passion.
I fell in love and it was reciprocated.
I increased my income significantly. I was promoted to a new position and I received a bonus.
I traveled to new and exciting places. I went to India for 6 weeks and had a wonderful time. It was an eye-opening experience.

I love this song. I got this one from Muze too.