In a Sentimental Mood
When I went to college, I promised myself that I would never have sex with a man that I couldn't imagine being my child's father. Breaking a promise to one’s self is a sign of trouble to come.
My first encounter with a man who wanted to sleep with me without jumping all over me was mind-blowing. All he wanted to do was hold me - and he was not gay. I am notorious for being a wild sleeper, so I felt very restricted in his arms the first night. Eventually, I became accustomed to having his arms around me and his body next to me. I found it hard to sleep when he wasn't around. I was addicted. This continued for a couple of months without me ever being pressured for sex. I never met another man who treated me that way. He valued my thoughts, my feelings. He listened even when I didn't say a word. He looked in my eyes and read my body so he knew when I didn't tell him everything that was on my mind. He treated me like the queen that I am. I miss him.
My last serious relationship changed me from a very confident woman to a sexually insecure girl. There were issues in that relationship that made me unsure of myself and crushed my spirits. I know that it wasn't my fault, but it still caused some damage. After I thought I'd recovered from that relationship, I said that I only wanted a companion - a male to hang out with me no strings attached. Instead, I ended up with someone with whom I had a constant power struggle. He always wanted sex and I didn't. I think I made him feel insecure because I didn't want it as much as him. Physically, things were good, but emotionally, I felt empty. He never seemed to understand what I meant when I said I needed more. He still doesn’t.
I need more than a physical arrangement. I need a spiritual, mental, emotional relationship before I can give myself completely. I have never felt free to give my all. Maybe I’ll just save that for my husband. I want to be free to be myself - to let everything hang out without fear of him leaving me or lying to me. I don't want to sneak around. I don't want the fear of an unwanted, unwed pregnancy. I want to know that I am loved completely, unconditionally, forever.
Until I establish a loving, committed relationship with a man, I will remain abstinent. It doesn’t matter how fine he is. It doesn’t matter how much he arouses me. I will stand strong because I need and deserve more.
I done been through some painful things
I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes.
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances,
but by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go.
I'm dropping these bags,
I'm making room for my joy.
(And I choose) to be the best that I can be. (I choose) to be authentic in everything I do. My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.
Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been. But today, I have the opportunity to choose. (Hey ey) I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do. And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.
- India Arie
I Choose