Sunday, August 27, 2006

In a Sentimental Mood

September 24, 2006 will mark 15 years of "womanhood". That was the day my mother gave me the, "My baby is a woman now" squeal. That was also the day that I received my first "sex" talk, which essentially boiled down to my mother's mantra - Don't have sex. I heard those 3 words over and over again in what seemed to be almost a hundred more sex talks over the next few years. She never talked about prevention. She did not share any of her experience or answer any questions. I found this ironic, because she was very thorough on the topic of puberty and how my body was changing. I, like so many other kids, turned to my friends or read a book when I had a question about men and sex.

When I went to college, I promised myself that I would never have sex with a man that I couldn't imagine being my child's father. Breaking a promise to one’s self is a sign of trouble to come.

My first encounter with a man who wanted to sleep with me without jumping all over me was mind-blowing. All he wanted to do was hold me - and he was not gay. I am notorious for being a wild sleeper, so I felt very restricted in his arms the first night. Eventually, I became accustomed to having his arms around me and his body next to me. I found it hard to sleep when he wasn't around. I was addicted. This continued for a couple of months without me ever being pressured for sex. I never met another man who treated me that way. He valued my thoughts, my feelings. He listened even when I didn't say a word. He looked in my eyes and read my body so he knew when I didn't tell him everything that was on my mind. He treated me like the queen that I am. I miss him.

My last serious relationship changed me from a very confident woman to a sexually insecure girl. There were issues in that relationship that made me unsure of myself and crushed my spirits. I know that it wasn't my fault, but it still caused some damage. After I thought I'd recovered from that relationship, I said that I only wanted a companion - a male to hang out with me no strings attached. Instead, I ended up with someone with whom I had a constant power struggle. He always wanted sex and I didn't. I think I made him feel insecure because I didn't want it as much as him. Physically, things were good, but emotionally, I felt empty. He never seemed to understand what I meant when I said I needed more. He still doesn’t.

I need more than a physical arrangement. I need a spiritual, mental, emotional relationship before I can give myself completely. I have never felt free to give my all. Maybe I’ll just save that for my husband. I want to be free to be myself - to let everything hang out without fear of him leaving me or lying to me. I don't want to sneak around. I don't want the fear of an unwanted, unwed pregnancy. I want to know that I am loved completely, unconditionally, forever.

Until I establish a loving, committed relationship with a man, I will remain abstinent. It doesn’t matter how fine he is. It doesn’t matter how much he arouses me. I will stand strong because I need and deserve more.

I done been through some painful things
I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes.
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances,
but by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go.
I'm dropping these bags,
I'm making room for my joy.

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be. (I choose) to be authentic in everything I do. My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been. But today, I have the opportunity to choose. (Hey ey) I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do. And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

- India Arie
I Choose

Monday, August 14, 2006

This is the best week of my life!

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
-Bonnie Raitt

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Truth Is…

I don’t know what to say.
I’ve already said it.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to do too much.
I am in limbo.
I’m waiting on something to happen.

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

Baby you understand me now
If sometimes you see i'm mad
Doncha know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong
you see some bad

Well i'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Ya know sometimes baby i'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
Then sometimes it seems again that all i have is worry
And then you burn to see my other side

But i'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
- Nina Simone

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Wish List

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a man in my life right now. I feel that I am ready for a relationship again. I've learned a lot about myself and my relations with men over the past couple of years, and I think it's time for me to see the lessons learned in practice. I want to love, trust, and be in covenant with the man that God has for me. No more casual relationships aka arrangements that meet temporary needs. From here on out, I am only interested in men who have real potential to be a loving husband and father. I don't want to waste my time with someone who does not have the same feelings about a relationship at this point in my life. I've outgrown booty calls and meaningless sex with someone who is only a placeholder. I want more. I need more. I deserve more.

- I want to be loved. I want to be in a loving relationship with a man who wants me as much as I want him. The past couple of years I've told myself that I didn't want a relationship. I only wanted a companion - someone just to hang out with. That era is over.

- I want a man who wants me around even when I say I'm on my cycle. Don't ask me when my next vacation is (for a guy in a different city). Surprise me and tell me you just want to see me.

- I want a man who enjoys cuddling with me, massages, and tender kisses. I know I pretend to be tough and untouchable on the outside, but I'm so soft and sensitive on the inside. I like lying around with my man just being lazy touching each other in the most nonsexual, yet sensual ways. Sex is great, but it's not something that I need right now. It will come in due time. Show me that you want me around for more than just this sexy body. :<)

- I want a man who listens to me and doesn't mind telling me when I'm wrong. I know I think I'm right all the time. Don't be afraid of me. My bark is a lot worse than my bite.

- I want to be appreciated. He knows that he has me and doesn't take me for granted. He says "thank you" and " I love you", and shows it. I am his queen and he is my king.

- I want a man who is ambitious and has specific goals to accomplish in his life. He finds ways to incorporate me into his plans for the future.

- He is confident and secure. Not cocky, but confident.

- He's attractive. Other women want him, but he's all mine.

- He's trustworthy. I can tell him everything about me, and he doesn't hold it against me. He knows about my past and wants me to make the very best of my future.

- He's not afraid of committing to me - and me only.

- He wants to be a husband and a father. I believe that a good man will be a good father.

- He's not afraid of showing me his sensitive side. I don't care if he cries during a movie. However, don't act like a punk if I hurt your feelings - stop sulking. Tell me that I hurt you and let's move on.

- My mind has to be stimulated. I need intelligent conversation mixed with a little silliness sometimes. A mind is like a parachute. It only works when open.

To be continued...

Can I just see you every morning when
I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you
- Eric Benet