Monday, April 02, 2007

4 Words

One night I couldn't sleep and I called a male friend around 12:15. (It was 11:15 his time.) I told him I wasn't sure why I couldn't sleep, but I wanted him to talk to me until I could. I didn't feel comfortable telling him that I was lonely in a strange hotel bed. A king-sized bed is nice, but it can be torture when you feel lonely and there's no one to share the bed with you. We talked and he told me stories. His voice is calm and melodic and could lure me to sleep under ordinary circumstances, but not that night. He started talking about how a lot of people (women) spend a lot of time getting ready and primping in front of the mirror each day. Then, he said, "You don't have to do all that. Your default is Beautiful." I sat straight up in bed. "What did you say? What was the last part?" "Your default is beautiful." Those 4 words made me smile for the rest of the week. I still smile everytime I think of it. Sometimes I say it to myself in the mirror. My default is beautiful. No matter what I feel like or what happens during the day, I am still beautiful.

Some people might think I am arrogant because those words meant so much to me, but that's not true. I am confident. I don't see myself as an ugly person (inside or out), but it's nice to hear a compliment sometimes. Not just from anyone, but from someone who means it sincerely. Before that night, my most memorable compliment came from a stranger. One day a few years ago, I was walking to the bus stop at FSU, and a man was walking toward me. He could have been homeless. I don't know for sure. He told me that I was naturally beautiful, no makeup, just beautiful. He wasn't trying to get my number. He didn't undress me with his eyes. He said it and kept on walking. I almost cried on Tennessee Street. At that time, I thought about how my father had never complimented me. He never told me I was beautiful. He didn't say I was smart or that he was proud of me. My mother told me all the time, and I knew it for myself, but it would have been nice to hear it from him. Instead, I heard it from a stranger on the street.

I am in a funky mood right now and I could really use a friend. I need a hug. I need someone to tell me that I will be okay, that everything will work out. I don't want to lash out at anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone because I'm afraid I will start crying. I feel loneliness physically. I know that the state of loneliness is all in your perception, but I feel it in my stomach and it travels up to my chest.

*clicking my heels* My default is beautiful. My default is beautiful. My defailt is beautiful.

IN A SENTIMENTAL MOOD (instrumental)

Duke Ellington


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