Complicated Melody

2010-02-07T19:40:00.001-06:00

Dear Phantom,

I hate your stinking guts.
You make me vomit.
You are the scum between my toes.

Love,
CM

Love...

2010-01-22T23:42:00.005-06:00

I want to wake to you.
I want to fall asleep in your arms.
I want you to pull me close and protect me.
I want to feel your breath on my neck
and your hands on my hips.
I want to bathe in you
and smell your scent throughout the day.
I want to feel your fingers on my scalp
and your lips on my forehead.
I want to be lost in you and found in you.
I want to feel your vibration
and bask in your sunshine.
I want you to want me as much as I want you.
I want you to hear my song and sing the melody to me
as I sing your song.
I want your smile.

Love, I want you.

I am ready for Love.

Double Jeopardy

2010-01-10T16:55:00.002-06:00

I thought having a mature enough breakup where you could remain friends with someone you loved was a great thing. It turns out to be a double-edged sword. You're sad about the initial breakup, and then you get a huge slap in the face when they move on to someone other than you.

This too shall pass.

Accutane

2009-08-21T22:18:00.002-05:00

I've been running away from it for over a year even though I know it's supposed to help. It is the last resort, and I'm afraid of what it means if it doesn't work for me. I also am leary of anything that requires so much monitoring and precautions. If it's harmful to a fetus, what is it doing to the carrier's body? I have to take a pregnancy test before starting it and then another each month. I told my doctor there's no need, but he doesn't believe that "a beautiful young woman is not having sex". It can also contribute to depression. If I can make it through the next 8 months without getting pregnant or suicidal, then they will consider it a success.

No wonder I'm so excited about it.

I've spent thousands of dollars and seen many doctors for the past 20 years. Please God, let it work this time.

Update

2009-08-21T22:13:00.002-05:00

My dad never responded to my letter.
I'm single (again).
Your Scholarship Coach is growing.

Countdown

2009-01-05T22:35:00.005-06:00

I saw this on Muze's page and thought I'd try it.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:

-Does ignoring me make you feel big? Well, you're not. You're an idiot for not recognizing what you have in me.

-You are so rude. You're supposed to acknowledge people when they say "Good morning". How dare you look at me and and say nothing! PWT

-You are so annoying. I become tense when I see your name or hear your voice. Please just leave me alone.

-Why did I wait for years and you're not even around? It is really hard for me. That's why it hurts so much when you push me away.

-You're stupid for putting all your business online. I know your mama taught you better than that. Stop being silly!

-She's crazy. I really feel sorry for you.

-I miss you. I hope things are working out for you.

-You are special. You are Heaven-sent. You are handsome. You are intelligent. You are creative. You are loved.

-Sometimes I wonder why we are friends.

-I'm really proud of you. You are doing a great job. I was skeptical at first, but you're proving me wrong.

9 things about yourself:

-I'm trying to be more open. I think it's working, but it might be too early to tell.

-I love who God made me. I'm not conceited, just confident. I am actually annoyed by people with low self-esteems.

-I'm an exhibitionist.

-I don't like stupid people.

-I had "daddy issues", but not anymore.

-type INTP

-I love New York!

-I'm learning how to flattwsit and cornrow my hair. I'm looking forward to all my creative new styles. :)

-I want to be a wife and mother while I am still young. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. If the kids turn out wrong, the parents get all the blame.

8 ways to win your heart:

-listen to me even when I don't say anything (sometimes that says a lot)

-feed me good food (preferably homemade)

-read, read, read (appeal to my inner nerd)

-sleep with me without molesting me

-encourage my sillyness (appeal to my inner child)

-give great massages

-hold me in your big arms...mmmm

-personalize something for me (a song, poem, CD, t-shirt, card, etc...just be creative)

7 things that cross your mind often:

-Is this real? Am I dreaming?

-I'm hungry. What am I going to eat?

-When is it going to happen?

-I miss my boys.

-Why am I here when I could be somewhere else?

-I need to get away.

-Who are these idiots in my space?

6 things you do before you go to sleep:

-check my email

-wash my face

-take out my contacts

-talk to my man

-turn off the lights/make sure everything is locked

-say my prayers

5 people you couldn't live without:

-my mother

-adoring fans

-friends who listen

-mentors/teachers

-children who keep me young

4 things you're wearing right now:
-glasses

-t-shirt

-underwear

-headscarf

3 songs that fit your life perfectly:

...at least for now

-I Choose (India Arie)

-I'm Living a Blessed Life (Clark Sisters)

-The Point of It All (Anthony Hamilton)

2 things you want to do before you die:

-live to see my children's grandchildren live happy and healthy lives

-go to Australia, Brazil, Nigeria, Argentina, South Africa, Egypt, and other countries

1 confession:

I feared rejection from others, but now realize that their rejection was no match for acceptance of myself.

Bonus: I want to be on Sesame Street.

The Year in Review

2008-12-29T21:43:00.003-06:00

Here's an update on the book I've written this year on my life.

I made 2008 the best year of my life.
I became a homeowner. I bought my new home in March.
I did work that I enjoyed and was fulfilled. This is partially true. I volunteered as a dorm counselor at a camp for teen girls for a week. I would prefer full-time fulfillment, but this was a start.
I made friendships that will last a lifetime and I rekindled old relationships. I reestablished a relationship with a friend from high school. I also ran into an old friend from my first stay in Houston, but our relationship is different this time around. One of my friends also felt comfortable enough to finally tell me a secret they had been hiding from me (that I already knew).
I learned how to harness & release the power within me.
I found new reasons to smile and laugh. I laughed at myself more. Sometimes I even smiled when I didn't feel like it. My friends are crazy too.
I learned to smile without provocation.
I learned more. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I expanded my knowledge financially. I also learned about new people and cultures.
I did more. I became more social. I forced myself to get out and network.
I gave more. I have to try to remember all my monetary gifts when tax time comes. I'm thankful for every gift that God gave me to share with others.
I flourished mentally, physically, spiritually, socially.
I opened my heart. My heart was broken. It seems as though the minute I stopped crying and decided to move on, the universe sent me a sign (actually, several signs). I had more dates with men I was actually interested in in a very short period of time. One of them stood out more than the others and won my heart. :)
I launched a new business venture. I have a legitimate business (and I get tax benefits and other discounts, yay!).
I coached and mentored students to success. I got my name out there and also had referrals. I was also challenged to do more.
I received lots of testimonies from my clients on how I was able to help them .
I cultivated relationships and discarded weeds.
I became a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, etc.
I walked in my purpose and pursued my passion.
I fell in love and it was reciprocated.
I increased my income significantly. I was promoted to a new position and I received a bonus.
I traveled to new and exciting places. I went to India for 6 weeks and had a wonderful time. It was an eye-opening experience.

I love this song. I got this one from Muze too.

Fortune Cookies

2008-12-29T21:30:00.000-06:00

My boyfriend (yes, I have a boyfriend now) suggested that I write my father a letter and mail it with some cookies as a reconciliation gift. It's his attempt to help me resolve my "daddy issues" so that we can have a productive relationship. I took his advice and finally started writing the letter after a couple of weeks of putting it off. The letter went through several revisions where I was venting and angry. The final version was one paragraph where I stated that I wanted him to be part of my life and I gave him my contact info. - phone, address, email. I sent the letter with German chocolate cake because I don't remember him being a cookie person, but I know that's his favorite cake. I sent the package via certified mail so I could track it. It was delivered to his home on 12/24. I haven't heard from him yet. The ball is in his court.

Thanks to Muze for introducing me to this fabulous song.

Coincidences

2008-11-28T18:37:00.000-06:00

I don't believe in coincidences. There is a purpose for everything. Sometimes I think about the people I know and remind myself how they became part of my life. Sometimes there are people who seem like they've been around us forever and we take our relationships with them for granted.

...whenever people cross our paths, there is always a message for us. Chance encounters do not exist. - James Redfield

I'm doing something different this time by posting the actual recording of the song. I don't know why I've never done this before. I only partially agree with the sentiments of the song.

This Too Shall Pass

2008-11-16T19:30:00.000-06:00

I know I'm in trouble when my house is a mess. My surroundings reflect the chaos that is in my head (and my heart). Every time I start making progress putting things away and clearing out a little space, I step back into disorganization. I don't like living this way. I have to force myself to straighten up and fly right.

I finally read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle last week, and it spoke to me, literally (it was an audio book). I don't remember the chapter, but disc 6 was my breaking point. He spoke about pain bodies and how we hang on to things that happen to us and try to force them on other people, like the saying "Misery loves company." He said 4 words that made my heart smile and lifted the cloud that was in my head. This too shall pass. Now, I know that is not a new concept, but that is exactly what I needed to hear at that time. His point was that we should constantly think on those words no matter what is happening in our lives. Whether things are good or bad, they will pass and life goes on. My tears dried up and I smiled genuinely for the first time in weeks.

I was/am grieving a loss that I wasn't prepared for (like people really prepare for that). I was sad and hurt, and I took it personally, even though it had nothing to do with me (which is what hurt most). I guess that's pretty selfish. I thought I was all cried out, but the tears still escape sporadically. I love a man who says he loves me, but I told him we couldn't be together. I would like to think that was the right decision, but my tears and the hole in my heart are making me seriously doubt that decision. We spent less time together after that because he didn't want to semi-date me. I still wanted to hang out with him as friends. The last day we spent together recently was definitely one of my top 3 times with him. Actually, it might have been the best ever. It was easy, so easy.

All I can think is that things happen for a reason. There are no coincidences.

I was so distraught after writing my last post that I forgot to add a song. I'm doubling up this time.

Thank You for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say
Thank you for being a friend
-Golden Girls theme song

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
-Corrine Bailey Rae

Daddy Issues

2008-10-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, my best friend told me I needed to stop trusting people to be who I want them to be. Instead, I should trust them to be who they are. If I know that a man is a liar, then I should trust that he will continue to be a liar, because it is his nature. She's crazy, but I think that was one of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard.

I know that I can't change anyone. I've never been the type of woman who likes to "fix" people. I do have high expectations of people in general though, and I want them to do what's right (what's right in my opinion). Last week, I was at work and had a random thought as I was walking down the hall. My thought: There are people who would love to have a daughter like me (and they've told me so), yet my own father won't talk to me. He talks when I call him on his birthday or Christmas, but he hasn't picked up the phone to call me in almost 6 years. He didn't call me when his parents died. He didn't talk to me at their funerals. He didn't even talk to me at my graduation. He didn't say, "I'm proud of you." He didn't say, "Congratulations." Even random strangers who saw me after graduation at the restaurant with my cap on congratulated me. I have no idea why I thought of this at work.

I have no idea why he doesn't talk to me.

To be continued...

A Woman's Worth

2008-09-29T14:08:00.000-05:00

A Woman's Worth
We've come a long way baby
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
By Goldie Taylor

I have been a mother all of my adult life. A single working mother. I put off dating, took menial jobs far beneath my qualifications and baked my share of ginger bread cookies for PTA Night, all so that three incredible children could have better. I chose their lives over mine. I don't have to tell you that it wasn't easy. Unfortunately, my story, our story, is not unique. We slept in cars, bought groceries with food stamps and prayed for a better day. When that wasn't enough, I put myself through school at Emory University and took a part-time job as a staff writer at the Atlanta Journal Constitution. That was over a decade ago. Along the way, things got better. I've been an executive at two Fortune 500 companies and a practice director at two multinational public relations firms. Today, I own an advertising agency and I've authored two novels. A third and fourth are on the way, God willing. All of this was possible because somebody laid a brick or two on the road for me. A few weeks ago, I woke in tears. It was my 40th birthday and certainly not a time for sadness. Rather, I cried in joy because for the first time I realized and could embrace the value of the struggle. The bright little girl, who once cried in my arms because we didn't know where we were going to live, was headed off to Brown University . The small boy who had been the 'man of the house' far too soon was now truly a man. And the tiny, angelic baby who had come to this world precious and innocent just 15 months after him was now a 16 year old girl headed out to her first job interview. For all of this, maybe I should be proud of a woman like Sarah Palin. Maybe, just maybe, I should be rejoicing in John McCain's selected running mate. But I'm not. I'm not a 'bed wetting liberal' nor am I a 'right-wing zealot.' What I am is a working mother. And I cry foul. I won't, for a moment, denigrate her experience or lob spit balls at her family. I will, though, take issue with what she knows. Or more succinctly, what she does not know. Living in Alaska , I'm not sure how much she knows about the people living in inner city Baltimore . I don't know how much she cares about the 125 murders this summer in Chicago . I have no idea what she believes about HIV/ AIDS and the havoc it wrecks on Black women or the cancer rates in East St. Louis . She hasn't said nary a word about Hurricane Katrina or the infant mortality rates in Appalachia . I do know that she's a life-time member of the NRA, a proponent of individuals who wielded the very weapons that killed my father and brother. I do know that she 'lives really close to Russia ,' but I'm not so certain she is ready for Putin. I know she wanted to ban books for public libraries and sex education in schools, but that her 17 year old is pregnant and preparing for a shotgun wedding. I know that she loves her husband enough to allow him (and probably did herself) to use her office to settle a personal score--one that the McCain campaign would now like to cover up under a blanket of Juneau snow. I know that the Alaska Independent Party, and its secessionist platform, was enticing enough for her to attend its conference (and for her husband to become a card carrying member). Does she love her country? I'm sure. Enough to support those who want to leave it. But I have no earthly idea what she knows (or could possibly know) about national domestic policy or foreign diplomacy. For all of her working class values, she never once mentioned the Middle Class in her diatribe that mocked her opponent's experience. Having been the mayor of Wasilla (pop. 6,000 at the time) and governor of Alaska (a state a smaller than the county I live in) for a little over a year, she felt she was qualified to do that. And obviously, so did John McCain. If she's qualified, then so am I. But in this country I love, she has been afforded the ability to run. The very constitution she says doesn't apply to the men at Guantanamo says she can. But this is about more than that. As Gloria Steinem said in a recent Los Angeles Times editorial, 'Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It's about baking a new pie.' The good news is thanks to Shirley Chisholm, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Angela Davis, Condoleeza Rice, Anita Hill, Madeline Albright, Maxine Waters, Kathleen Sebelius, Hilary Rodham Clinton and a slew of others, there are 18 million proverbial cracks in the ceiling. Our collective political and economic power is due to the strides (and leaps) they, and others, took on my behalf. I am grateful. I am deeply humbled to stand on the bricks they'd laid before me. But, whatever our struggle was (and is) the last thing I want is to be patronized. Just as I cannot support just any African American who decides to offer themselves up for public service, I will not toss my vote to someone just because we share the same chromosome mix. To do so would dishonor the vow I made to my children, to myself. I did not vote for Al Sharpton, wasn't old enough (nor would I have) voted for Jesse Jackson and I certainly will not support Sarah Palin. Identity politics, especially in this case, are a sham of the worst order. When I cast my vote, it will be for people who will lay more bricks for people like me. It will be for people who will put diplomacy before war, challenge us all to provide healthcare for the sick, help another child go to college, and check the special interests in Washington . This fall, I'm not looking for a woman. I'm looking for a brick layer. I could care less if that person hasn't spent 'enough' time in Washington or can 'properly field dress a moose'. I could care less if that person likes hockey, soccer, football or table tennis. I could care less if they graduated from Harvard or the University of Iowa . I'm a Christian, but I could care less if they are down with Deuteronomy, Leviticus or Numbers. I want them to uphold the Constitution. So no, I will not sit idly by as they attempt to suspend habeas corpus at Guantanamo Bay, engage wiretaps on American citizens without a warrant, and hide behind executive privilege when they are caught firing attorney generals based on how well they tow the Republican line. I won't let them cost us $12 billion a month fighting a war that should have never been authorized and never been waged. Not while working people lose their homes to predatory lenders and watch as we bail out the financial institutions that created the housing crisis.I will not, in the name of history, vote for a woman like Sarah Palin who does not share my values. But here's what I will do. I will continue raising money for Barack Obama. I will get on the phone again and call people in distant states I've never met. I will e-mail, call, and knock on doors until the final vote is cast. I do this, not because he shares my skin, but because I admire his principals and he shares my values. I do this because Barack Obama is more than a community organizer, he is a bricklayer. And he sees -- just as he sees the light in Michelle's eyes -- my struggle, my worth as a woman.

Goldie Taylor is CEO of Native Brand Communications and chairman of Goldie Taylor OmniMedia, LLC. She is the author of In My Father's House (Wheatmark, 2005) and The January Girl (Madison Park, 2007 & Warner Books, 2008) and is currently working on her third novel, Come Sunday. Taylor and her children live in Atlanta and New York . For more information, visit www.goldietaylor.net or her blog Second Day at www.goldietaylor.wordpress.com

Today is Where My Book Begins

2008-01-12T16:06:00.000-06:00

Everyday we are inundated by commercials on TV and radio. I tend to ignore them or casually listen/watch. I recently heard a commercial that made me pause. It was actually several commercials for different products from the same company. I heard it for a couple of weeks before I finally googled the words and found the title and full lyrics. It was January 2, and as I read the lyrics I realized it was such an appropriate song to mark the beginning of the year.

See it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXDFMQBIJ8A

Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten…

A year from now I want the following words to fill the pages of my book.

I made 2008 the best year of my life
I became a homeowner
I did work that I enjoyed and was fulfilled
I made friendships that will last a lifetime and I rekindled old relationships
I learned how to harness & release the power within me
I found new reasons to smile and laugh
I learned to smile without provocation
I learned more
I did more
I gave more
I flourished mentally, physically, spiritually, socially
I opened my heart
I launched a new business venture
I coached and mentored students to success
I received lots of testimonies from my clients on how I was able to help them
I cultivated relationships and discarded weeds
I became a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, etc.
I walked in my purpose and pursued my passion
I fell in love and it was reciprocated
I increased my income significantly
I traveled to new and exciting places

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken

-Natasha Bedingfield

Beyond Skin Deep

2007-09-06T19:48:00.000-05:00

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?" Most of us have heard or read those words spoken by the evil queen in the classic fairy tale, Snow White. The queen was very vain and inexplicably jealous of her step-daughter. As children, we were introduced to the idea that beauty is fleeting and there is always someone who looks better than us.

Today, we are bombarded by commercials and other forms of media that tell us we're not beautiful enough, not skinny enough, not thick enough. Our hair isn't curly enough, straight enough, soft enough, long enough, thick enough, and the list goes on and on. Our society is so caught up on external beauty that we tend to ignore the fact that it is just the external wrapping of a valuable gift.

Natural Woman

2007-08-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

I have always loved this song. It makes me feel so alive and sexy. Now, it has even more meaning to me. If my hair had a theme song, this would probably be it.

I'm looking forward to being inspired.

All hail the queen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDa0lG8quWg

Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But your love was the key to peace my mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
Cause if I make you happy I don't need no more

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me
You make me feel so good inside
And I just want to be close to you
You make me fell so alive
Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

- Aretha Franklin

Me Time

2007-08-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

I'd been looking forward to this day for a few weeks. It was Museum District Day in Houston. http://houstonmuseumdistrict.org/default.asp?id=78
I set my alarm for 8am, but I woke up on my own around 7:15. Instead of just laying there, I decided to be productive. I got out of bed and washed my hair. I did an ACV rinse followed by conditioner. I shaved, showered, and styled my hair. I had a meeting at 10, and I was ready to see the museums around 11:30.

I mapped out my route while I was at work this week, so I already had an idea of what I wanted to see. I went to the following museums:

Houston Center for Photography
The Menil Collection
John C. Freeman Weather Museum
Houston Center for Contemporary Craft
Buffalo Soldiers National Museum
The Health Museum

It was also Unity Day at Miller Outdoor Theatre, so I stopped by there to check out the vendors after I finished museum hopping. One of the vendors remembered me from high school in Dallas. I was surprised he remembered me. I didn't recognize him, but I remembered his name after he told me who he was.

I spent most of the day alone and thoroughly enjoyed it. I went where I wanted to go and stayed as long as I wanted. It seemed like I had a stalker for a little while, but I was able to shake him. Later, I met up with my cousin and her SO at their new home. I saw/played a Wii for the first time. I scored 125 in bowling, but lost the tennis game. We went to dinner and had a good time. I made it back home safely, showered, and watched a movie. Now, I'm watching Macy Gray in concert on PBS.

Today was a good day.

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god

I don't know but today seems kinda odd

...I cant believe, today was a good day

- Ice Cube

Anybody who knows me, knows that I don't listen to rap. However, as I started blogging, this song popped in my head.

Talk to Me

2007-08-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

I saw the movie, Talk to Me, featuring Don Cheadle this weekend. I've wanted to see this movie since I first saw the trailer a few months ago. It was great, and it had wonderful music from the '60s and '70s. Petey Greene reminded me of another loud mouth P-Town native with a good heart. He was very funny and charismatic, but knew when to get serious and expose injustice. Talk to Me is playing on limited screens nationwide, but you should definitely look for it in your area. http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809720575/info

I was born by the river in a little tent
And just like that river
I've been running ever since
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cos I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

There were times when I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will
- Sam Cooke

Correction in My Direction

2007-08-02T19:47:00.000-05:00

There's a place in Dallas I like to frequent when I'm in town that has an open mic. There's this guy that everybody hates to love, OriginAL, "the godfather of ecclectic funk". He writes poetry and songs - some of the most interesting words you've ever heard, and they're catchy. You sit there thinking how crazy the song sounds, but you catch yourself humming it in the shower the following week. "Correction in My Direction" was the song he sang on my birthday in January. It's been over 6 months and that stupid song is still in my head. Ugh.

Now, that I think about it, that song is somewhat appropriate for me right now. I've been praying for direction, and things seem to be looking up.

Stay tuned for details.

Blue skies smiling at me
Nothing but blue skies do I see

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

2007-06-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

I went to a wedding last week and it made me and my other friends think of our own (non-existent) nuptials. The wedding gave me some ideas on things I would like in my ceremony. It also made me think of the most important participant other than the bride - the groom. I don't know who he is, or maybe I do know him, but I don't know he's my husband. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm longing for something more. Right now, I'll settle for just being held. There's definitely no one I can image being with right now. I'm experiencing something that I rarely ever feel - insecurity. I don't feel confident about expressing myself physically and verbally at the moment. Maybe it's in my best interest that I am single now.

Transition is not a bad thing.

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT (M. Jagger/K. Richards)
Ah, you can't always get a-what you want
No, no baby
You can't always get a-what you want
Tellin' you right now
You can't always get what you want, mmm!
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find, that ya
Get what you need

A Woman's Sexuality

2007-05-19T20:14:00.001-05:00

http://ymib.com/content/view/396/99/

I'm Clever

2007-05-06T14:35:00.000-05:00

It has taken me several days to type this line. I first thought about blogging 3 days ago and couldn't put my words together. I'm still unsure of what I want to say even though I consider myself to be well-spoken and articulate. I have so many thoughts and emotions bubbling underneath the surface waiting to burst out at any moment.

Once upon a time, there was a beautifully intelligent, young woman. She was admired by both men and women. However, she was troubled. She was troubled because she found it difficult to open herself up to anyone, especially men. She made friends with men easily, but it was hard to transition from "just friends" to "more than friends" and to show her vulnerabilities. There were many factors that led to her distrust of other people that were so entangled that she didn't know which string to pull to undo the knot. She wanted to break free from the fear of being hurt by someone she trusted. Her best friend told her that the real problem was that she wanted to trust people to be good and do what's right instead of trusting them to be themselves. She wanted to trust people to be honest and straightforward, but most people only said what they thought she wanted to hear.

When I was a child, I would ask my mother to tell me bedtime stories, and they almost always started out, "Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in the projects..." Then, I would say, "Mama, is this story about you?" Her stories were always about her life. What kind of stories will I tell my children? I want to tell my children love stories. I want to tell them their birth stories and the story behind their names. I want to tell my children that they were conceived in love and that they were wanted. I want to tell about their mother and how she worked to achieve her goals. I will tell them about their father and how he was a great man that loved his family. I will tell my children of the young woman who thought she would never be able to trust a man and how she overcame that obstacle.

So, I said all that to say what? I have no idea. All I know is that I want to move to another level.

I was just waiting for your phonecall
When they came along to say
That a rose done chased you clear away

You had said I was gamine
But we didnt mean the same thing I think
Broke my choux pastry heart
Guess life's no picture postcard

One for sorrow
Two for joy

Sometimes you win (ooh)
Sometimes you lose
Don' t wanna lose you
Don't even own ya, yeah
I just wanna stay right here
Until never dawns, yeah

I was just waiting for your answer
Still, you made your own apologies
I cried so much I had to leave

Three for a girl
Four for a boy, oh

Sometimes you win (ooh)
Sometimes you lose
Don't wanna lose you, yeah
Don't even own you
I just wanna stay right here
Until never dawns, yeah Oooooh Oooooh

- Corrine Bailey Rae

4 Words

2007-04-02T00:52:00.000-05:00

One night I couldn't sleep and I called a male friend around 12:15. (It was 11:15 his time.) I told him I wasn't sure why I couldn't sleep, but I wanted him to talk to me until I could. I didn't feel comfortable telling him that I was lonely in a strange hotel bed. A king-sized bed is nice, but it can be torture when you feel lonely and there's no one to share the bed with you. We talked and he told me stories. His voice is calm and melodic and could lure me to sleep under ordinary circumstances, but not that night. He started talking about how a lot of people (women) spend a lot of time getting ready and primping in front of the mirror each day. Then, he said, "You don't have to do all that. Your default is Beautiful." I sat straight up in bed. "What did you say? What was the last part?" "Your default is beautiful." Those 4 words made me smile for the rest of the week. I still smile everytime I think of it. Sometimes I say it to myself in the mirror. My default is beautiful. No matter what I feel like or what happens during the day, I am still beautiful.

Some people might think I am arrogant because those words meant so much to me, but that's not true. I am confident. I don't see myself as an ugly person (inside or out), but it's nice to hear a compliment sometimes. Not just from anyone, but from someone who means it sincerely. Before that night, my most memorable compliment came from a stranger. One day a few years ago, I was walking to the bus stop at FSU, and a man was walking toward me. He could have been homeless. I don't know for sure. He told me that I was naturally beautiful, no makeup, just beautiful. He wasn't trying to get my number. He didn't undress me with his eyes. He said it and kept on walking. I almost cried on Tennessee Street. At that time, I thought about how my father had never complimented me. He never told me I was beautiful. He didn't say I was smart or that he was proud of me. My mother told me all the time, and I knew it for myself, but it would have been nice to hear it from him. Instead, I heard it from a stranger on the street.

I am in a funky mood right now and I could really use a friend. I need a hug. I need someone to tell me that I will be okay, that everything will work out. I don't want to lash out at anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone because I'm afraid I will start crying. I feel loneliness physically. I know that the state of loneliness is all in your perception, but I feel it in my stomach and it travels up to my chest.

*clicking my heels* My default is beautiful. My default is beautiful. My defailt is beautiful.

IN A SENTIMENTAL MOOD (instrumental)

Duke Ellington

It's been a long time. I should'na left you...

2007-03-05T19:39:00.000-06:00

Did you miss me? Here's what you missed:

I turned a year older.
I met a man that I already knew.
I moved to a new place.
I had a visitor that didn't leave early.
I took a belly dancing class.
I started experimenting with the no-poo method.
I rekindled a relationship with an old friend.
I almost bought a house.

That's enough about me. What's happening with you?

Lately, I've had something on my mind that seems to permeate most of my free thoughts. It's one of those things that a lot of people have thought about, but now it seems to be more pressing. I see detailed pictures in my head and have ideas that I'm a little afraid to commit to paper because it could be perceived as presumptuous. When have I ever cared what people thought? I think that committing it to paper places it out in the universe and attracts it to me. (Law of Attraction) I recently read about a "Soul Collage" on ymib.com. The author of the article described a project where she cut out images of various things that she felt drawn to. The funny thing is I had already cut out a few things before reading the article. My original plan was to place those pictures in plastic sleeves in a notebook. Then, I decided that I liked the collage idea better. It's been a long time since I made a collage - almost 10 years. I've been extra creative this year, and the soul collage is another avenue for me to express myself. I bought posterboard and glue, and I'm collecting more and more images. I put it on hold until I'm at home again. I can't wait to make my collage.

My dreams:

Love
Joy
Peace
Fulfillment

Girl, put your records on,

tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans,

I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

- Corrine Bailey Rae

Kinky

2006-12-24T22:33:00.000-06:00

Someone posted the following survey on a message board. I deleted the demographic questions.
See my responses below. Feel free to respond as well.

Marketing Survey for Natural Hair The purpose of this survey instrument is to find the attitudes generated by African-Americans between the ages of 19-40. For the purpose of this instrument “natural” hairstyles are as follows locs, afros – all varieties, corn rolls, bald, and very low cut hair (women only). We know you value your time and we would like to thank you in advanced for your participation in filling out this survey. Please take a moment and fill out this brief survey. Thank you.

4) Do you like “natural” hair as defined above?
A. Yes
B. No
C. No, and I never would
D. Like it? I have it now

5) Would you wear a “natural” hairstyle as defined above?
A. Yes
B. No

6) Would you be in a relationship with a person that has a “natural” hairstyle?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Maybe

7) Do you think that “natural” hair is appropriate in the professional world?
A. Yes
B. No

8) If you were going to wear a “natural” hairstyle, which would you choose?
A. Afro
B. Locs
C. Corn rolls
D. Bald
E. Short / Fade (women choose)
F. I would not wear any “natural” hairstyle
Twists (not on original survey)

9) Fill in the blank. “Natural” hairstyles are__________.
A. Sexy
B. Professional
C. Crazy (sometimes)
D. Normal
E. A no no in the modern world
F. No thought

10) Fill in the blank. People who wear “natural” hairstyles are________.
A. Lazy
B. Free thinkers
C. Anti establishment
D. Trendy
E. Normal
F. No thought

11) True or false. “Natural” hairstyles are more acceptable for women.
A. True
B. False

12) True or false. “Natural” hair looks better on men.
A. True
B. False

13) Fill in the blank. Whites in Corporate America find “natural” hairstyles______.
A. Scary
B. Offensive
C. Acceptable
D. Normal
E. Unconcerned

14) True or false. “Natural” hairstyles are fine for academics, artist, and entertainers, but not for business professional.
A. True
B. False

15) True or false. “Natural” hairstyles are fine in all aspects in today’s world.
A. True
B. False

Black women and Their Hair - Back in the Dayhttp://www.pamspaulding.com/Pam/pampix/hairhistory.htm

My Hair Story

I wrote about the other "n-word" sometime ago and now I'm finally getting back to my story. In the beginning, I had no hair. My mother would pull the few strands that I had to the center of my head and secure them with a bowrette. As I grew, my hair grew. She really didn't know how to take care of my hair, but she tried her best. My cousin would do my hair for special occassions. She was a kitchen-tician until she opened her own salon years later. I still remember Saturday mornings in her kitchen. I was small enough to lie down on the countertop for her to wash my hair in the sink. Then, she'd sit me between her legs in front of the stove and press my hair. She always had to redo the edges because the naps were rebellious. Later, I was introduced to creamy crack and I faithfully went back for a hit every 4-6 weeks for almost 20 years.

My hair was fairly healthy until I went to college. I couldn't afford to go to a salon, so my friends and I did each other's hair. I experienced overprocessing and a lot of breakage that had to be "fixed", ie. cut, everytime I went home for a break. I started considering "going natural" in late 2002. I just wanted to do something different with my hair, but I wasn't completely sure at the time. My cousin gave me my last relaxer that December while home for Christmas break. By the time my birthday rolled around (in late January), it was time for me to do it again, but I decided against it. Instead, I alternated between straw sets, roller sets, and braid-outs for a couple of months. It was hard to manage the battling textures, but I did not want to cut my hair. I've never wanted short hair for myself. I knew my friend's roommate did kinky twists very well, so I asked her if she would do my hair. I wore my hair in those twists from March to December. Each time that I took my hair down, I cut a little bit more of the permed ends. I actually cut several inches once and told myself that I was either going to stick to the natural thing or I was going to have a short permed-style. Either way, my hair was going to be totally different from anything I'd ever done before.

In December 2003, I went home for Christmas break and my friend cut the remaining straight pieces. I looked in the mirror and wasn't pleased. I almost regretted what I had done. I didn't know what to do with my hair. She tried to show me how to do comb coils, but that seemed like it would take forever. I slept on it and wore a shrunken fro the next day. Later, I sat in the mirror and decided to try to twist my hair. I liked what I saw when I finished. I left for Little Rock that afternoon to see a friend before anyone in my family saw me. When I went back home, my mother looked at me and said, "Well... you're still cute. At least you don't look like _____(a guy we know with the most unmaintained looking hair ever)." My grand debut was that weekend when we had a big party for my aunt's 80th birthday. A lot of people were shocked, but some of them complimented me still.

I am a recovering permie. I have been relaxer-free for 4 years. I have experimented with different products and styles and I'm still learning about my hair. Sometimes, I get ugly stares and nasty comments, but I don't let it get to me. I am more confident about my hair and my natural beauty thanks to the help of several individuals and websites, like nappturality.com and others. Now, I am able to help other people who are transitioning or contemplating discovering their own natural beauty.

My hair is nappy and I love it.

Well, I really don't care 'bout a whole lot of nothin'
'cept greasin' my scalp,
give my kinks lots of lovin'
Cause I am nappy baby, nappy as can be.

I move right along,
kinks never gone.
I'm just nappy baby.

-N'Dambi
Love & Nappiness: "A Celebration of Nappy Hair"

2006-12-21T20:22:00.000-06:00

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? According to the owl, it only takes 3. How many glasses does it take to get to the bottom of a wine bottle? I guess I'll find out tonight because I can't get the cork back in and I don't want to waste the wine. I didn't even buy it, but I still don't want to let it go to waste. That's alcohol abuse.

Tonight, while I was cooking, I thought about the last big event I attended in college. It was called, "The Sip" - a huge party where everyone dressed up and looked classy for the first half of the evening, until the champagne corks were popped. After everyone started drinking, it was a free-for-all. Tim was the president of the frat at that time and I sat at his table. I was alone. I had a boyfriend, but he wasn't there. He let me go to an event looking extra sexy surrounded by fine men in suits, and he wasn't there. I wanted him there. I had a good time, but I wanted him there still. That night I saw my first college crush. He graduated a couple of years before, but he was in town that weekend and decided to come to the party. I went out in the hall for a break during the dancing and he was there and we started talking. I was shocked that he still remembered me. He told me he always liked me. I remember the day I told my friends about this fine man who sat next to me in class my freshman year. He had a lot of hair at the time and I called him Maxwell. He told me he always liked me. It felt so surreal. He always liked me. I was a little tipsy, but I was very coherent. I knew what was happening. He always liked me and I liked him too. It was weird that I saw him that night when I wanted my boyfriend to be there with me. I don't believe in coincidences. That night was a defining moment for me. It helped confirm some things. I saw him again a year later when I went back for graduation.

I don't know what made me think of that, but I had a good time at that party. That horrible summer was bookended by that night and my departure to New York.

I want a scalp massage. It doesn't feel the same when I do it. I went to a few male hairstylists before, and the best part of the experience was when they washed my hair. I don't want to pay anyone to do it now. I think Trent washed my hair before, but I'm not sure. I remember washing his hair, but I can't remember if he did mine. He always took care of me. He still does when he's available.

I don't know if I really had a point in writing this tonight. I'm on my third glass, and I'm finding it hard to keep my head up. It's resting on my shoulder as I type. I think there's enough for half a glass left in the bottle, but I can't drink it. I'm retyping every other word as it is. I'm going to sleep soundly tonight.

It takes 3.5 glasses to get to the bottom of a wine bottle.

I had 2 songs in my head today. One of them was Bonie Raitt's song that is below. I'll choose the other.

I am not forgotten.
I am not forgotten.
I am not forgotten.
God knows my name.
He knows my name.

The Pursuit of HappYness

2006-12-17T19:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I saw the movie about Chris Gardner as portrayed by Will Smith. During his narration, he mentioned the Declaration of Independence and how Thomas Jefferson included the phrase, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Happiness is not guaranteed, but we, as humans, are always seeking (pursuing, chasing) it. We try to obtain happiness by making more money, using drugs, seeking fame, being promiscuous, and so much more. All we really want is to be loved and to be happy.

When I grow up I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to be a blessing to others. I want to make a positive impact on everyone I meet. I want to be used by God so that other people see him in me and they are drawn to him.

The past few months have been challenging for me, and I'm still growing. I'm expecting great things from myself, and I will not be disappointed. Last week, I came across a scripture that really stood out to me. I reread it and then looked at the chapter and verse so I could go back to it later. It turns out that it was the same numbers as my birthday and it's also the book with my name. I sat there in amazement thinking about how I really needed that message and God directed me to it at the right time.

"...Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you, blessed are you among women." Luke 1:28

Last week, I thought about a poem I learned way back in 3rd grade, called "Don't Quit". I still remember most of it. I will break my tradition and end with a poem instead of a song tonight.

When things go wrong
as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging
seems all uphill
When the funds are low,
and the debts are high
When you want to smile,
but you have to sigh
When cares are pressing down a bit
rest if you must,
but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
as every one of us sometimes learns.
Many a failure it turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You might succeed with another blow.

(I forgot this part)
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
it's when things seem worse that you must not quit.

2006-11-02T20:27:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I cried.

Today, I laughed.

Things are looking up.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Give me the courage to love with an open heart.

I want to live with an open heart.
-India.Arie

Advice from Strangers

2006-10-22T23:23:00.000-05:00

"The opposite of love is indifference." - Lynn from "Girlfriends"

When I first heard that statement, I didn't put much thought into it. I surmised that there was some truth to it, but I didn't dwell on it. Tonight, I watched a new show called, "Brothers and Sisters", where a couple discussed breaking up. He told her that he had no doubt she could get along well on her own; the difficult part would be letting someone else in. That struck a huge chord with me; especially after the deep (unwanted) conversation I had last night with someone I've only known for a few weeks. It's a long story, but it basically involved the intimacy of kissing.

I know that I am capable of loving and sharing myself, but I don't convey that very well to others. Indifference seems to be my staple characteristic. I have heard on more than one occasion that I am emotionless, aloof, and even cold. I have become so accustomed to guarding myself that I don't even remember when it started. I don't recognize my behavior towards others anymore. I foolishly believed that I was changing because I was trying harder to open myself up to others. Apparently, it's not working. No one else seems to appreciate my effort. I have built so many walls around myself as insulation from hurt and pain that I don't always realize that I am hurling it at someone else. Yes, I explain it away as a defense mechanism, but it's time for the defenses to come down. My friend used to have a stuffed toy that would make smart aleck comments when it was thrown against something. "Get over it!"

My close friends have no problem telling me when I'm wrong. They know that I can be cold sometimes and they call it out. They also recognize that they can count on me to be honest when they need to hear the truth. They know that I am trustworthy - I don't share their secrets, even with people that don't know them. I sign a confidentiality agreement in my heart. I am giving and loving. I am thoughtful - like the night I played and sang "You are My Friend" to Ish in the drive-thru at Chubby's. (so cheesy) When I tell someone that I love them, I mean it. I don't throw those words around in vain. My best friend (the still unlicensed therapist) calls me narcissistic. We have been friends since middle school and still get along because we can call out each other's faults and also recognize our strengths. We are opposites. I am cold at first and push most people away until I warm up to them (if they stick around long enough), and she is very friendly at first until you try to get closer and she pushes you away. We are both very careful about how much we share with others.

Now, back to that original statement on indifference. I pride myself on not hating anyone. Someone recently asked me if I had any enemies, and I said none that I am aware of, but if there were any I wouldn't care. That seems to be my mantra. I don't care. If you want to see me. I don't care. If you don't want to see me. I don't care. If you want to go to the moon. I don't care. If you want to take me with you. I don't care. You want to talk to me. I don't care. You don't want to talk to me. I don't care. Either way it goes, I'll be fine. I'll survive. Most of the time when I say that I don't care, I really mean it. Sometimes, it's just a facade. I had a conversation with a male friend about a guy that I really liked and things didn't work out. He was shocked to see that I cared so much about what happened between us, and I kept trying to figure out what went wrong. Until that point, he thought that I was always calm and level-headed, but I told him that is the face I show to the world. When I really care about someone, I want to please them, even if it's not something that I always want to do. When they hurt me, I don't show it - not to them anyway. I might think of things I want to say or do to hurt them, but usually it just goes down on paper, stays in my head, or goes into the ears of a good friend. I've only had one crazy moment when I destroyed someone's property, but I was really calm when I did it and it made me feel so much better. They deserved more, but I got my point across - Literally. : )

If I were to grade myself on how well I get along with others, I would give myself a B. However, based on feedback I've received, I'm not sure if I'm worthy of a passing grade. I need to become more aware of my interactions with others and how they might interpret my behavior, or lack thereof. I think that being alone has only bolstered my self-reliance and tendency to do things on my own without seeking input from others. I am very comfortable with myself and making my own decisions. I'd rather do a lot of things by myself because I don't have to consider the other person's needs or wants. There's nothing wrong with that, but I must make a better effort of including and welcoming people in my life.

I am a life in progress.

I pray for you.
You pray for me.
I love you.
I need you to survive.

You are important to me.
I need you to survive.

The Role of a Father

2006-10-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

Today, at church, my pastor started a series with the above title. He spoke about how fatherhood is becoming synonymous with absenteeism, neglect, and disappointment. All men are called to be fathers, whether they have biological children or not. There are too many children without fathers who could use a male role model in their lives. A father is more than just a man who is in the house. Physical presence does not make you a father. A good man is going to be a good father even if he doesn't live in the same house as his children.

A father sacrifices for his children.
A father is an example to his children. He realizes that his daily life says more than any words he could utter.
A father is a leader.
A father loves his children unconditionally.
A father is a protector. He equips his children with tools to help protect themselves even when he is not around.
A father is not perfect, but he strives to be better each day.

A lot of people seem to think that boys need their fathers more than girls. I can understand that viewpoint, but I know from first-hand experience that girls need them just as much. A woman can't teach a boy to be a man. She can tell him what she thinks and try to push him in the right direction, but it takes a man to show him how to be a man. A man also has to show his daughter what to expect from a man. She has a harder time finding a good man if she doesn't have a good example. Women shouldn't have to find a man. Women are supposed to choose the best suitor, but these are perverse times.

Most of my female friends have serious relationship issues with males that can probably be traced back to their dysfunctional relationships with their fathers. Some people choose to acknowledge the challenges of their past and move on. Others find it a little more difficult. Deep down inside we hope that we will meet someone who sees the baggage and the effort that we exert to try to eliminate it.

My relationship with my father is basically nonexistent. I don't fantasize about having a perfect relationship with him. I can't change him, and I know that. I am disappointed, but that seems to have been the theme of our relationship for as long as I can remember. It's not his fault that I have a hard time trusting people (especially men). Maybe he has a hard time trusting too. I'm afraid that I will be like him.

I choose to be different.

I remember
When you used to take me on a bike ride every day on the bayou
(Remember that? We were inseparable?)
And I remember when you could do no wrong
You come home from work
And I jump in your arms when I saw you
(I was so excited)
I was so happy
(So happy to see you so happy to see you)
To see you
Because you loved me
I overcome
And I'm so proud of what you've become
You've given me such security
No matter what mistakes I make you're there for me
You cure my disappointments and you heal my pain
You understood my biz and you protected me
You treasure every irreplaceable memory
And thats why I want my unborn son
To be like my daddy
I want my husband to be like my daddy
There is no one else like my daddy
And I thank you for lovin me(daddy daddy daddy)
- Beyonce

I cried the first time I heard this song because I couldn't say that it was true for me.

Random Thoughts

2006-09-29T21:08:00.000-05:00

I can't breathe. I have a cold and I can't breathe through my nose. I keep touching my forehead to see if I have a fever. Maybe it's time to go to sleep, but it's just 9:06pm. I can't go to sleep this early. Actually, I have before, but I just don't want to get in bed yet. I am home alone on a Friday night. I don't feel like going out anyway. Today, I picked up dinner from a restaurant I discovered a couple of months ago. The last time I was there, I met a guy that I thought was attractive. I called the restaurant a week later and asked him if he wanted to go to a festival with me. He told me he was surprised, and happy, that I called. That was my first time ever doing something like that. He didn't call me back. Today, he told me he was sorry he didn't call and asked me about the event. I was cordial. I didn't throw it in his face.

Last night, an old friend called. I usually have to initiate contact with him (and most of my other male friends), but I was pleasantly surprised to hear from him. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I call people that I haven't talked to in a while or I send an egreeting to a bunch of old friends. I do it because I want to let them know that they are on my mind. I also do it because I hope that they return the favor. I know that's selfish, but sometimes I need to know that I am on someone's mind too. Why am I crying? What was so deep about that?

Last week, one of my friends said that I'm an Ice Princess because things don't get to me. I'm probably the most sensitive person she knows - I just don't show it. What's the point in showing people how I feel all the time? They don't care anyway.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
Last night my nephew called my mother "MyMy", her preferred grandmother name. She said he also tried to say, "I love you". I miss them. It seems like half the women at work are pregnant. I hung out with my friend's 3-year old last weekend. She's so smart and funny. She made (pretend) cake for me and we drank (pretend) tea. We sang songs together too. My years of watching PBS (to this day) came in handy. I felt so silly. We had so much fun together.

I'm watching 20/20 and they're talking about gender differences and sex. They are talking about the myth surrounding men desiring more sex and women desire less. Thirty percent of women have a low sex drive. "Women need a context to have sex." We have to be with the right person, in the right mood, at the right time. We can have sex without an orgasm and still be happy. It's all about the emotional connection. We can have emotionless sex too, but that doesn't last very long. At some point, you stop and say that you need a deeper connection. Sex is more than physical. It's hard to tell someone that when they are used to having things (you) their way. It hurts knowing that they don't really want you when you tell them it's over.

Something good is going to happen to me.

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
- Christina Aguilera

A Day That Shall Live in Infamy

2006-09-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

The 20th century was a very eventful period in our country. Women gained the right to vote. The US participated in 2 world wars, along with a few more wars and a “conflict”.
We started driving cars, which led to the creation of the interstate highway system. We sent a man to space, and he walked on the surface of the moon. We also saw space shuttles that didn’t complete their mission, like the Challenger explosion on my birthday.
We started living longer. We had the British Invasion and the birth of Rock and Roll. A beloved president was assassinated. We also saw advances in human rights in the form of the Civil Rights Movement, the Black Panther Party, LULAC, NAACP, National Urban League, United Farm Workers, labor unions, and more.

I was privileged to grow up in the latter part of the past century in such a place as this. However, the beginning of the 21st century brought a change to the mindsets and actions of people around the globe. The eyes of the world were on the US on September 11, 2001. This was the first time that the US had been attacked on its own territory since Pearl Harbor. The last time there was an actual battle on American soil was during the Civil War. Some might say that we were due to have something happen in this country, because the rest of the world experienced some form of detriment at our hands throughout the 20th century and earlier. On that day, Malcolm’s words rang true. The chickens had come home to roost.

I think that any one who is old enough to remember 9-11-01 has a story to tell. My parents can recount what happened when Kennedy or MLK was assassinated, but my generation has September 11, 2001 - The day that terrorists hijacked several planes and flew into the World Trade Center and The Pentagon. There was another plane headed for an unidentified DC target that was redirected by its passengers. It crashed in a field in Pennsylvania.

This is the story I will tell my children:

It was the beginning of my third year in college. I had a bad summer and the beginning of the school year didn’t seem like it was going to be any better. I remember going to the internship office that morning to see what positions were available. I walked outside the office and stood there reading a bulletin board with job postings. My friend, Shante, walked down the hall and said, “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the mall?” I asked her which one. Our college town only had 2 malls. She said it was The Mall in Washington with the monuments and stuff. She was fuzzy on the details because someone else told her in passing. We went upstairs together to an office with a TV. We stood there watching the news with a professor, his secretary and 2-3 more students. We were all in a state of shock. It was like watching a movie and we couldn’t turn away. Somehow, we heard an announcement that classes were cancelled for the rest of the day and all the government offices were closed too. I don’t remember if it was on the news or if there was a phone call telling us to go home. Our school was in the state capital with the president’s brother down the street. There was much speculation about him being a target if someone was angry with the President.

I don’t remember how I got home. Either someone dropped me off or I rode the bus because I didn’t have a car. I went to my place and put my things down. I went upstairs to my neighbor’s apt. because he had cable and I wanted to tell him what happened. We sat in front of the TV for hours watching the coverage until he went to work. He let me stay there while he was away. I didn’t know anyone in NY at the time, but I still grieved for the children, families, and others who were directly impacted.

I must admit I had no desire to visit Ground Zero on my first trip to NY. My friend and I planned a trip to Century 21, and she told me as we were walking out of the train station that we were in the area where the World Trade Center towers formerly stood. I walked around and took pictures of the fence surrounding the gaping hole. I could not imagine the buildings that were there before. This wasn't like downtown Dallas where I was familiar with the buildings and I would know if something changed. I stood at Ground Zero feeling... empty. I didn't feel the way I thought I should feel. I didn't feel sadness or any other emotion. I just wanted to go inside Century 21. I don't think I've ever admitted that to anyone before.

There's hope
It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
- India Arie

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
- The Beatles

In a Sentimental Mood

2006-08-27T22:18:00.000-05:00

September 24, 2006 will mark 15 years of "womanhood". That was the day my mother gave me the, "My baby is a woman now" squeal. That was also the day that I received my first "sex" talk, which essentially boiled down to my mother's mantra - Don't have sex. I heard those 3 words over and over again in what seemed to be almost a hundred more sex talks over the next few years. She never talked about prevention. She did not share any of her experience or answer any questions. I found this ironic, because she was very thorough on the topic of puberty and how my body was changing. I, like so many other kids, turned to my friends or read a book when I had a question about men and sex.

When I went to college, I promised myself that I would never have sex with a man that I couldn't imagine being my child's father. Breaking a promise to one’s self is a sign of trouble to come.

My first encounter with a man who wanted to sleep with me without jumping all over me was mind-blowing. All he wanted to do was hold me - and he was not gay. I am notorious for being a wild sleeper, so I felt very restricted in his arms the first night. Eventually, I became accustomed to having his arms around me and his body next to me. I found it hard to sleep when he wasn't around. I was addicted. This continued for a couple of months without me ever being pressured for sex. I never met another man who treated me that way. He valued my thoughts, my feelings. He listened even when I didn't say a word. He looked in my eyes and read my body so he knew when I didn't tell him everything that was on my mind. He treated me like the queen that I am. I miss him.

My last serious relationship changed me from a very confident woman to a sexually insecure girl. There were issues in that relationship that made me unsure of myself and crushed my spirits. I know that it wasn't my fault, but it still caused some damage. After I thought I'd recovered from that relationship, I said that I only wanted a companion - a male to hang out with me no strings attached. Instead, I ended up with someone with whom I had a constant power struggle. He always wanted sex and I didn't. I think I made him feel insecure because I didn't want it as much as him. Physically, things were good, but emotionally, I felt empty. He never seemed to understand what I meant when I said I needed more. He still doesn’t.

I need more than a physical arrangement. I need a spiritual, mental, emotional relationship before I can give myself completely. I have never felt free to give my all. Maybe I’ll just save that for my husband. I want to be free to be myself - to let everything hang out without fear of him leaving me or lying to me. I don't want to sneak around. I don't want the fear of an unwanted, unwed pregnancy. I want to know that I am loved completely, unconditionally, forever.

Until I establish a loving, committed relationship with a man, I will remain abstinent. It doesn’t matter how fine he is. It doesn’t matter how much he arouses me. I will stand strong because I need and deserve more.

I done been through some painful things
I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes.
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances,
but by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go.
I'm dropping these bags,
I'm making room for my joy.

(And I choose) to be the best that I can be. (I choose) to be authentic in everything I do. My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been. But today, I have the opportunity to choose. (Hey ey) I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did cuz life is gone do what it do. And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

- India Arie
I Choose

2006-08-14T20:44:00.000-05:00

This is the best week of my life!

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
-Bonnie Raitt

Truth Is…

2006-08-10T20:00:00.000-05:00

I don’t know what to say.
I’ve already said it.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to do too much.
I am in limbo.
I’m waiting on something to happen.

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

Baby you understand me now
If sometimes you see i'm mad
Doncha know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong
you see some bad

Well i'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Ya know sometimes baby i'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
Then sometimes it seems again that all i have is worry
And then you burn to see my other side

But i'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
- Nina Simone

Wish List

2006-08-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what I want in a man in my life right now. I feel that I am ready for a relationship again. I've learned a lot about myself and my relations with men over the past couple of years, and I think it's time for me to see the lessons learned in practice. I want to love, trust, and be in covenant with the man that God has for me. No more casual relationships aka arrangements that meet temporary needs. From here on out, I am only interested in men who have real potential to be a loving husband and father. I don't want to waste my time with someone who does not have the same feelings about a relationship at this point in my life. I've outgrown booty calls and meaningless sex with someone who is only a placeholder. I want more. I need more. I deserve more.

- I want to be loved. I want to be in a loving relationship with a man who wants me as much as I want him. The past couple of years I've told myself that I didn't want a relationship. I only wanted a companion - someone just to hang out with. That era is over.

- I want a man who wants me around even when I say I'm on my cycle. Don't ask me when my next vacation is (for a guy in a different city). Surprise me and tell me you just want to see me.

- I want a man who enjoys cuddling with me, massages, and tender kisses. I know I pretend to be tough and untouchable on the outside, but I'm so soft and sensitive on the inside. I like lying around with my man just being lazy touching each other in the most nonsexual, yet sensual ways. Sex is great, but it's not something that I need right now. It will come in due time. Show me that you want me around for more than just this sexy body. :<)

- I want a man who listens to me and doesn't mind telling me when I'm wrong. I know I think I'm right all the time. Don't be afraid of me. My bark is a lot worse than my bite.

- I want to be appreciated. He knows that he has me and doesn't take me for granted. He says "thank you" and " I love you", and shows it. I am his queen and he is my king.

- I want a man who is ambitious and has specific goals to accomplish in his life. He finds ways to incorporate me into his plans for the future.

- He is confident and secure. Not cocky, but confident.

- He's attractive. Other women want him, but he's all mine.

- He's trustworthy. I can tell him everything about me, and he doesn't hold it against me. He knows about my past and wants me to make the very best of my future.

- He's not afraid of committing to me - and me only.

- He wants to be a husband and a father. I believe that a good man will be a good father.

- He's not afraid of showing me his sensitive side. I don't care if he cries during a movie. However, don't act like a punk if I hurt your feelings - stop sulking. Tell me that I hurt you and let's move on.

- My mind has to be stimulated. I need intelligent conversation mixed with a little silliness sometimes. A mind is like a parachute. It only works when open.

To be continued...

Can I just see you every morning when
I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you
- Eric Benet

I Remember...

2006-06-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

I remember the first time we talked
and how you were totally different from your friend.

I remember being afraid to call you.
I had a question about our history homework. That was my excuse.
I was secretly hoping that you would not answer 'cause I was so nervous.

I remember you were my friend, my best friend.
I loved when we had classes together.
We had a baby in Biology class - our little bundle of joy on paper.
Everyone thought we were so cute together. We should hook up.
We both wanted that to happen, but we were too afraid to say it.
You told me in a letter on the last day of school.

I remember that summer. It was a summer of "firsts".
My first kiss, my first love, my first ...
I can't help but smile every time I think about you and me, we.

After all these years, I still remember.

I remember my first break up song.
"It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will."

I remember being in love,
and then it was over.
It was the end of innocence.

And Now...
Now, I know that it never ended.
I have had other male best friends and other boyfriends since then,
but none has compared to you.
My feelings for you laid dormant for so long that I thought they were forgotten.
Now, they are slowly rising back to the surface.

This is my letter to you, my first love.

I remember.

The sweetest thing I've ever known
Was like the kiss on the collarbone
Soft caress of happiness
The way you walk, your style of dress
I wish I didn't get so weak
Ooo, baby, just to hear you speak
Makes me argue just to see
How much you're in love with me
See, like a queen, a queen upon her throne

It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I know,
It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I know

I get mad when you walk away (don't walk away)
So I tell you leave, when I mean stay
Warm as the sun dipped in black
Fingertips on the small of my back
More valuable than all I own
Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone

Sneaking on my mother's phone
The touching makes me think I'm grown, (you ain't grown)
Sweet prince of the ghetto
Your kisses taste like amoretto
Intoxicating, oh, so intoxicating
How sad, how sad that all things come to an end
But then again, I'm, I'm not alone

The Sweetest Thing
-Lauryn Hill

When I think of home…

2006-05-22T22:48:00.000-05:00

When I think of home, I can’t help but think of two very different places. The first place is the home of the Cowboys, JR Ewing, the State Fair of Texas, Ross Perot, and Six Flags Over Texas. I was born and raised in the city of Dallas, and I lived there until I left to go to college in Tallahassee, Florida. I have not lived in Dallas for an extended period for almost 7 years. Dallas is my home because that is where I grew up and my family is still there. It is also the place where most of my childhood memories were created.

However, the place where I feel most at home is a small island that is home to 8 million of the most diverse, most creative, most dynamic people in the country – maybe even the world. That city is the home of the Yankees, Madison Square Garden, the Empire State Building, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Statue of Liberty, and more. Just in case you don’t know, I’m talking about New York City.

My first visit to New York was for Spring Break 2004. Everyone thought I was crazy when I told them I was leaving warm, sunny Florida to go to cold, wintry New York. The week before I left for the city I received news that I had been granted an internship that following summer with a company that was based in New York. I was so excited about the job and being in New York even though I’d never been there. I just knew that this was a great opportunity for me.

I left behind t-shirts and sandals and arrived in New York the following week wearing a coat, scarf, gloves, boots, and a hat. I stayed with a friend who had classes and I was left to venture out on my own each morning until her classes were over. She helped me map out very detailed plans each day of things I could do alone. I’d never walked so much in my life. After the second day, I stayed in bed smelling like Bengay because I was too tired to move any muscles. Overall, I had a good time and couldn’t wait to get back.

I went back to New York in August to begin my 8 month internship. There were 6 other interns from my school at the same company. We had friends throughout the city and in White Plains, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Philly who would come to town for the weekends and we would all hang out. I lived in midtown Manhattan on 34th St. and Park Ave. I walked down 34th St. my first 2 days in town to get acquainted with my new neighborhood. There was always a line outside of this one building that I had passed 3 times already. Finally, I stopped to see what it was and found out it was the tallest building in the city - The Empire State Building. Yes, I lived 5 minutes from this great landmark and didn’t even realize it.

My stay in New York was full of adventure. It took me a few weeks to figure out the subway system, and when I did, I felt like an old pro. I went to Times Square and did some of the typical tourist things at first, but after a while I didn’t want to be around the tourists anymore. I avoided Times Square like it was the plague. I hung out with friends at poetry clubs. I went to Zagat and non-Zagat rated restaurants. I went to bars and clubs where I almost always ran into someone I knew. I went to museums and cultural activities constantly. I took a self-guided tour of Harlem and fell more in love with the rich history of that part of the island. I went to church in Brooklyn every Sunday and would walk through a neighborhood that looked a lot like the Cosby Show. I went to parades and events that celebrated the diverse people and culture of the city. I was surrounded by people who didn’t think my hair was an abnormality or something that needed to be “fixed”. I would go walking on weekends for hours at a time and not realize until later that I was far from where I started. I would find little stores and restaurants that were owned by people from all over the world. New York was not like other places where everyone looks the same and does the same things to fit in. It is truly a melting pot, with a little bit of everything.

I am a native of Dallas, but I’ve never felt so at home as when I was in New York. It was fast-paced, loud, dirty, and I had no relatives there except for when they came to visit me, but there was a sense of familiarity. I felt like I belonged. Now I understand why people will leave their homes to go to this city with nothing but a hope and a prayer. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere - New York, New York.

When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home, I wish I was back there
With the things I been knowing
- The Wiz

Akeelah and the Bee

2006-04-30T01:20:00.000-05:00

This movie is great. You have to see it and tell all your friends about it too.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
The above speech by Nelson Mandela was orignally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.

Wake up everybody, no more sleepin in bed
No more backward thinkin,'
Time for thinkin' ahead.
The world has changed so very much
From what it used to be
So there is so much hatred war and poverty.
Wake up all the teachers time to teach a new way.
Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say.
Cause they're the ones who's coming up
And the world is in their hands
When you teach the children, teach'em the very best you can.

The world won't get no better if we just let it be
The world won't get no better
We gotta change it, yeah, just you and me
-Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes

For Bridesmaids who have considered suicide/When the wedding was Enuf

2006-04-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my high school friend's wedding in a couple of weeks. I went to the bridal shower on Saturday that was organized and hosted by all of the bridesmaids. This event was planned without me since I live in a different city. I must admit that I was very upset about the expenses that these people had created all in the name of making this a wonderful event. It's a good thing we split the costs. My biggest gripe was that the cake cost $130. Can you believe that? A cake that is going to be eaten within a few minutes cost $130, and it wasn't even the wedding cake. We could have bought a really nice cake from Walmart, but that's not what they wanted to do. The cake was decorated like a Victoria's Secret box. It tasted good, but it should have been phenomenal for the price we paid. The theme of the shower was Victoria's Secret, so there was pink everywhere - boxes, bags, napkins, plates, cups, tablecloths, balloons, forks, punch, our shirts. Everything was pink. I hate pink. Anyway, the event did go very well and the guests seemed to enjoy themselves. The bride was very happy, and that's what really mattered.

Then came the drama. We had a meeting with the bride after the shower. She started off by saying how much she enjoyed herself and that she was glad to have us there. She also apologized to the group if anyone thought that she was being mean or short-tempered throughout the whole process. She said that she'd been very stressed planning for the wedding, and she was sorry if she came across the wrong way. She also said that if anyone did not want to participate in the wedding for any reason, then they could let her know and she would understand that. One of the girls said she didn't want to do it. The bride was okay with that and told her thank you for being honest. I thought that was settled and we would move on to something else. No hard feelings. One of the other girls said that it shouldn't happen like that. The bride and "the quitter" should talk and she should stay in the wedding. I said that she shouldn't be forced to do something she doesn't want to do. "The quitter" started raising her voice and accusing the bride of being selfish and seeking all the glory. I'm sorry, but I thought the bride (and groom) was the star of the wedding. I didn't see her point at all. The other girls were still saying how she should be in it. I didn't want to stick around for that nonsense, so I got my things together, including some of the leftover cake, and went outside. The bride came out a few minutes later and we talked for a few minutes. I told her I understood what she was saying and we agreed that there was no need for further discussion. The girl didn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore and she didn't want her in the wedding if that's the way she felt. Apparently, this had been going on for about a week, but I didn't know about it since I wasn't around. She called me later and explained what had happened the week before. She apologized to me for even having to listen to that crap. I tried to comfort her and let her know that she was doing the right thing.

Planning a wedding can be very stressful, especially if you're doing it alone and you have people around you who are not willing to relieve some of the stress, but add more to it. I believe that it is my job as her friend and bridesmaid to support her and honor her wishes. Even though I hated to spend money on an expensive cake, I gave my part because that's what I was told she wanted. Although, based on our conversation last night, I don't think she would have minded a less expensive, non-Victoria's Secret cake.

I have been in several weddings over the past 10-12 years. I have also been an observer most of my life because my mother coordinates and decorates for weddings in her spare time. I have seen stressed out brides before. I have seen weddings that were executed seamlessly because of the planning and dedication involved. I have also witnessed a disastrous wedding, and heard of other marriages that should not have taken place.

Here are some lessons that I have learned:

Pray about your marriage. Listen to what God tells you.
Listen to your heart. Don't marry for convenience or appearances.
Don't try to do it all yourself. Surround yourself with 1 or 2 people who are competent and willing to help you.
Do not allow children at the wedding/reception. People don't realize how annoying a crying baby is to the bride, groom, and other guests when they refuse to take them away from the ceremony.
Stay within your budget. If you told the hotel/caterers 150 people, then don't allow 50 more people to talk you into allowing them to come.
You don't want to start a marriage on the shaky ground of debt. Don't spend all the money you have (and don't have) on the wedding. You will need to live after that day.
Don't allow everyone to tell you what you should do. If you want a beach wedding do it. If you want to wear a green polka dot dress, then do it. It's your wedding.
Don't expect someone to change after the wedding ceremony. If he didn't pick up his socks before, don't expect him to do it after the honeymoon.
Don't be afraid to say no. Don't let your mama, her sisters, grandmother, and your cousins try to control your wedding. You can't please everyone.
Don't put a child in your wedding who is too young to walk down the aisle alone without crying.
Everyone in the wedding should look happy throughout the ceremony. The Maid of Honor should not walk down the aisle with her head down or wearing a frown. You spent too much money on dresses and other things to have people mess up the pictures.
There is nothing wrong with creating your own vows. I think that writing your own vows is more sincere and causes you to actually think about your love for the other person.
You can also cut out traditional phrases or segments of the ceremony that you don't like. Why do you need someone to stand up if they disagree with the marriage? They should have told you that before the wedding. You don't have to light a candle either. It's all up to you.
Hire a professional photographer or designate 1 amateur (maybe an uncle) who will take good pictures and organize the photo session beforehand. You do not need 20 people taking pictures of you and telling you to look at them.
Take as many pictures as you can before the ceremony. Don't make the guests wait on the bridal party to take pictures. Allow them to go to the reception area or another designated place to wait.
Little girls should look like little girls. I don't like to see 3 or 4-year old flower girls who are made up to look 21 (like Jon Benet).
Send thank you cards within a month of the ceremony.
Start on time.
A wedding is only an event. A marriage is a lifelong commitment.
Have fun.

That's the end of my list for now. I plan to stick to those rules when my time comes.

Stay tuned.

Someday When I'm awfully low

When the world is cold

I will feel a glow just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

Yes you're lovely

With your smile so warm

And your cheeks so soft

There is nothing for me but to love you

And the way you look tonight

-Frank Sinatra

Just Say...Yes?

2006-04-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

Ray Charles
David Ruffin
Mary J. Blige
Frankie Lymon
Rick James
George Clinton
Billie Holiday
The Beatles

Do you see a pattern?

All of these people were great artists who were addicted to drugs. I know, I know drugs are bad. I am not condoning drug use in any way. Drug free is the way to be. However, some of the greatest music of all time was created by people who had serious issues. Some of them died before they were actually recognized for their talent and hard work. Ray and Mary were able to recover and get their lives back on track, but some say their music suffered. Is that what's missing from our music today? Would songs be more meaningful and sang more soulfully if Beyonce was on crack or Chris Brown was addicted to heroine? Perhaps, older artists turned to drugs because they didn't know how to handle the demons of their past, the blatant racism, and the huge responsibility that was placed on their shoulders. They were not afforded the option of a therapist or reality show. They chose the only way they knew how to escape. Perhaps, the artists of today don't have anything heavy to write or sing about because they just haven't experienced anything.

Once again, I am not saying that anyone should use drugs for any reason. I just wanted to point out how the quality of music has changed. Maybe it was just a coincidence that the greatest music was created by people who were on something. A more important question might be why we as consumers allowed the bastardization of our music to occur and we continue to buy it.

Strange Fruit

Southern trees bear strange fruit
Blood on the leaves
Blood at the root
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees
Pastoral scene of the gallant south
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth
The scent of magnolia sweet and fresh
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh
Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck
for the rain to gather
for the wind to suck
for the sun to rot
for the tree to drop
Here is a strange and bitter crop
-Billie Holiday

The Other "N" Word.

2006-04-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

http://www.jacksonfreepress.com/comments.php?id=8859_0_48_0_C

The comments below this article are worth reading too.

I will talk more about my hair story later.

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within
- India Arie

I am so much more.

Beer Bash Recap

2006-04-01T22:40:00.000-06:00

I went to the Beer Bash with my cousin. We really had a good time. I filled her in on what happened between us so she would know the history. We thought that we would not know anyone there. We both saw a couple of people we knew as soon as we got there. I was shocked to see a guy a know talking to Larry (He and Brandy set me up with Apollo). It turns out that he is Apollo's line brother. I know this guy from somewhere else. He likes me, but he's not strong enough for me. AJ told me that Brandy - The Perpetual Matchmaker- had tried to set her up with him too. We both felt the same way about him. He wasn't right for us because he was too nice. I also saw one of my friends from college. He gave me his card and told me about this birthday party he's having tomorrow. He told me to give him a call, and I reminded him of what happened the last time I called him. Some crazy woman called me back asking how I knew him and why I was calling. I don't have time for drama.

Oh, I digress.

So Apollo was walking around with a bottle of Grey Goose giving people shots. He was soooo drunk. We spoke briefly and kept flirting with each other the rest of the night. It's nice to know he still likes me and we can get along. We'll see what happens next.

I met some other people too. I think all of the men there were his frat brothers. I was hoping that they would have more than beer and they did. They had several coolers with punch too. The blue one was very tasty, so I knew I couldn't drink too much of it. It was one of those sneaky drinks. You couldn't taste or smell anything. Maybe it enhanced my dancing, maybe not. You can definitely tell that AJ and I are related by our dancing. Although I think she's probably a little better than I am at dancing. Overall, it was a good night.

It's a small world afterall
It's a small world afterall
It's a small world afterall
It's a small world afterall
-Annoying Disney Song

Is It Raining?

2006-03-31T22:53:00.000-06:00

Why do you hear so many songs about rain?

Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head
Singing in the Rain
Oh How I Wish that it Would Rain
I Want to go Outside in the Rain
Can you stand the Rain
It's Raining Men (Ha Ha)
Nights Like this I Wish that Raindrops Would Fall (Can't nobody sang like Eddie Kane Jr.)
Melodies From Heaven (Is it reign or rain?)

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know dear how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Beer Bash

2006-03-26T21:47:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought everything was over and I complained about seeing his name everywhere, Apollo sent me an evite to his birthday beer bash on Saturday. Yes, I'm considering going. No, I don't drink beer. My justification: I was planning to do some other things in that area anyway. Let's see if I actually go.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here
- Sarah McLachlan

Untitled

2006-03-26T18:40:00.000-06:00

My friends and I used to sit around in our dorm room and play a little game called, "Things that make you feel good." We would say things like, "It feels good when you go home for Christmas and/or Spring break and you get your hair done by your favorite stylist because your mama is paying for it." We would all agree because we couldn't afford to go anywhere as poor college students. One of the other girls might say something like, "It feels good at the end of the semester when you sell your books back and you can go out to dinner and buy a new dress." We would go on like that around the circle, sipping on a drink (that wasn't supposed to be in the dorm), and just relaxing. Then, my girl Baraka would shake things up a little bit and do something crazy. One time she jumped out of the closet strapped and we all screamed with laughter. I would like to thank Kristin, Jaselyn, Ebony, and Baraka for those fun times. I didn't really like living in the dorm, but those girls made it tolerable.

So in honor of the girls of Diamond Hall, I'm going to start up the game again. Add to the list if you'd like.

Things that make me feel good...

- Walking in the rain without worrying about messing up my hair.

- Listening to Jill Scott telling me that I shouldn't stop loving. "Just because you've loved and lost, doesn't mean you stop loving. If you have a nightmare, you don't stop dreaming." True, true.

- Listening to a message from my mama where she says, "I just called to tell you I love you. Have a good day." I just melt everytime.

- Having a nice conversation with an attractive man who looks me in the face when I'm talking.

- Having my nephew look to me when his parents told him he couldn't do something. He knows I'm the one who will spoil him already. : )

- Trying to figure out which character I am on Grey's Anatomy with my best friend. Yes, we self-analyze.

- Driving with no traffic right before the sun sets. It's the golden time of day according to Frankie Beverly and Maze.

- Catching up with old friends.

- Having a friend that I can call at almost anytime (because he doesn't sleep at night) when I just want to talk and I need a slightly objective male perspective. I love you Trent.

- Walking on the streets of Harlem surrounded by history, culture... and all kinds of hustlers selling everything you need. Gotta love it.

- Having a kitchen full of food. It would be nice to have someone to cook with/for me though.

- Going to a park and jumping on a swing when there are no kids around. Kids ruin it because they run in front of you not caring about you accidentally kicking them in the head. That happened to my brother when we were kids and it traumatized me.

I'm going to end my list for now. Hopefully, something really, really good will happen to me soon.

Now, what song should I choose? Just in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm going to end all my posts with a song. Sometimes it will be based on what I wrote, and other times it will just be whatever is in my head at the time. Enjoy.

Happy feelin's in the air touching people everywhere
Plenty love and everything listen to the people sing
I got myself to remind me of love
My mind and my heart I believe in above
These happy feelin's I'll spread them all over the world
From deep in my soul I wish you

Happy Feelin's Happy Feelin's
Happy Feelin's Happy Feelin's
I've seen the light watch them shine down on me
I'm gonna spread my wings I'm gonna tell all I see
These happy feelin's
I spread them all over the world
Happy HappyHappy Happy feelin's
- Frankie Beverly and Maze

What's in a Name?

2006-03-16T20:37:00.001-06:00

My brother and his wife were looking for a name for the new baby. They decided that it had to start with a P because that is the next letter in our last name. I'd never heard of that naming convention, but if that's the way they wanted to do it, then so be it. My mother told me yesterday that they decided on a name. My nephew's name will be Premier Joe.

pre·mier ( P ) Pronunciation Key (pr-mîr, -myîr, prmîr)adj. First in status or importance; principal or chief: an architect of premier rank. First to occur or exist; earliest.

Okay, I have to admit that the name does have a significant meaning, but I couldn't stop laughing when I heard it. In fact, everytime I think about that name I can't help but break out into this huge grin. I can't imagine calling a little boy, or anyone for that matter, Premier. I liken that name to Prince, Princess, Precious - all of which happen to start with a P. Yes, these names have nice meanings, but they are just too cutesy for me. I guess it doesn't matter because he's not my child. However, I will have to say that name when people ask about him, or when we go out and I introduce him to friends and their kids. You know the kids at school will probably make fun of him too. I've already decided that I will be calling him PJ.

Because loving you....
Has made my life so beautiful....
And every day of my life
Is filled with loving you....
Loving you....
I see your soul come shining through....
And everytime that we....
Oh I'm more in love with you....
- Minnie Ripperton

Cross My Mind

2006-03-13T18:06:00.000-06:00

Why is it that when you say you're finished with someone, you get all kinds of reminders of that person? You see their name. You hear "the song" or see "the movie" that belonged to the two of you. You see pictures of the two of you. You are copied on emails from mutual friends and you see that person's name too...and they are online at the same time as you. Your friends constantly ask what happened, because you haven't given them any details yet.

You decide to move on, but there are all these reminders of that special person who could have been the one, maybe. Actually, you didn't have enough time to come to that conclusion, but you could see real potential.

I know that it's over. I'm not in denial. I'm not making any effort to try to salvage or revive the little spark that we had. I tried and failed. I just want to know why I keep getting these reminders when least expected. He does not have a popular name by any means, but I keep seeing it.

A few examples:

1. The night I explained the situation to Hakimu, we passed by a sign on the side of the freeway with his name. I didn't say anything to him. I just thought it was crazy that I saw that name as I was talking.

2. The new major league soccer team decided to change it's name after protests from the community. His name was on the list of potential new team names. I could not believe my ears as I watched the news that night. Thankfully, they chose another name.

3. I needed new brakes for my car. I did an internet search for repair shops, and the first listing was a company with his name.

Why does he keep running (actually he's being pushed) across my mind? I don't know.

In the words of a sometimes wise man (Ishmael),

"Next."

You just running cross my mind [3x]

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to

I know its wrong feeling this strong let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to

I know its wrong feeling this strong let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

Remember all the moments for two, how we used to

Oooh yeah

But the reality honestly...you were never good for me and I was never good for you.

I just remember what we used to do....

-Jill Scott

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

2006-03-12T04:18:00.000-06:00

One of my friends from home is in town for the weekend. She invited me to go out with her and a guy friend. I told her I would only go if someone else was going because I didn't want to be the 3rd wheel. She called him and asked if he had any guy friends who might be interested. He had a few friends around when she asked, and he asked one of them. The friend that he asked didn't sound too sure about going out with a stranger. He said he didn't do blind dates. I told her it wasn't really a date. We could meet up and part ways later, if we wanted. I just didn't want to be the only other person with them. She begins telling her friend that I'm prettier than her, and his friend has nothing to worry about. She repeated it several times. That struck me as odd. I wonder what this guy was thinking as she was saying that to him. Did he think she had a low self esteem? Did he think that she was lying to him just to convince his friend?

I know that I'm beautiful. So is she. I can't see myself ever telling a man that one of my friends is prettier than me. I have good-looking friends. I don't think that I'm prettier than any of them. I also don't think that any of them is prettier than me. I think that we are all beautiful. I am very confident in the way that I look. I do believe that we all have days when we feel more confident than others - like those days when you just can't get your hair the way you want it. Or, when you're sick and you think you look the way you feel on the inside.

I believe that when we're confident about our appearance, it shows. People who might not ordinarily like your hair or your clothes will give you a compliment based on the confident way that you present yourself.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.
- West Side Story

Piano Lessons

2006-03-10T23:16:00.000-06:00

I'm watching a reality show where there are 2 boys in the family. The older boy is progressing well on the piano. He's even composed songs. The younger brother isn't doing quite as well. He feels a lot of pressure to be like his older brother. This kind of pressure can either propel or paralyze.

Which one am I? I am the older child who sets the standards by which the rest of the family is judged. I'm not saying it's right. That's just the way it is. I believe that people, especially children, should be acknowledged for their individual talents. Comparing siblings is a comparison of apples and oranges.

Random Thought: I love this song. It always reminds me of my childhood.

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves (This is the only part I remember.)

Chorus:I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company(That's the song I hear)
I'd like to see the world for once(Let the world sing today)
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land
That's the song I hear(That's the song I hear)
Let the world sing today(Let the whole wide world keep singing)
A song of peace that echoes on
And never goes away

Put your hand in my hand
Let's begin today
Put your hand in my hand
Help me find a way